The humble toilet ……or whatever you choose to call it !

Now I know this may seem a rather strange topic for a blog …. and yes some of you will be saying “ The What? Has she finally lost it – her blogs occasionally contain something amusing – where is she going to find anything amusing in the toilet ? Think I’ll give this one a miss if you don’t mind.” Oh ye of little faith – keep reading ! If you don’t know me by now … no more to say.

However, on a serious note ( yes Dear Reader me and serious can, and do, go together , often ..) I know there are people reading this who are going through difficult times and whilst I write, I want you to know I’m thinking about you , and I hope something I say brings a bit of a chuckle to you …..so back to the toilet we go!

“ So what on earth made you want to write about the toilet – I mean we’ve heard of toilet humour, but come on..” If I’m honest I decided toilets would be a blog subject after a rather unfortunate incident in a hotel room in Spain …..you’ll have to keep reading now, because I’m not giving anything else away just now !

We start by going back to our last Camino … and Dear Reader, it seems a long time ago … those of you who follow me will understand my concern at a lack of any toilet facilities en route, as a result of my inability to squat well, if you recall. We won’t go into why – let’s just say rubbish knees as a result of a rather nasty fall at school. So for this Camino I took a mega sheewee – if you remember the normal one , recommended by our eldest, Emma , was a complete disaster … wet jeans and an inability to stand due to complete hysterics ! What’s more, when I told her this, she said “ Oh, yes ..they’re a waste of time 😂😂” We live and learn – so, let me get back on track. I took a more efficient she wee ( can be used as a hewee too but let’s not get into that …….) on this Camino .

When I arrived home after the long drive from the airport ( you know, the one I shall no longer be flying from – unless of course flights are as good as free) – the first question from the DB ( before even being offered a glass of wine or plate of food ) was “ How did you manage without toilets – did you have to use the shewee?”

Fortunately not , I can tell you – despite long distances with no facilities. My Camino pal on the other hand , who is an excellent squatter ( not that sort , come on) – she is one who can squat , and on several occasions had to do so whilst I stood at the proverbial door to make sure no one came near !

This got me thinking ( watch out , that can be bad news …) the toilet is an essential part of everyday life – is there any other piece of “ furniture” within our home that has so many different names – and whilst toilet is the most common one, in my early years I remember lavatory being more common . Now for some education … the word lavatory stems from the Latin word to wash, and as in most places designated as washing rooms ( I don’t think they meant clothes, I think it related to more personal washing!) there was a “toilet”. So lavatory stuck … how it became toilet, loo, bog, khazi, john and numerous others, I have no idea and need to get back to the intention of this blog before I lose it completely – fascinating that it all may be – this is not a Doctorate on The Humble Toilet , rather an amusing observation . So here we go …….

When I was little I was looked after, more days than not, by a lovely lady who I called Miss Yates ( “ Why you ask?” Because that was her name to me , no first names allowed back then – respect your elders and all) Now don’t be thinking either that my poor mother had to go out to work, or that I was born into some kind of aristocratic family . Neither is true – my father was a hardworking doctor and my mother didn’t work …. but she was occupied with such things as playing tennis, coffee mornings or afternoon teas where children weren’t convenient …. Get back on track for Goodness Sake – the toilet ? Ah yes, Miss Yates’ toilet ( that’s why I was telling you about her ….) Well it fascinated me, because it wasn’t in the house , it was at the end of her yard, and it looked like this –

Also there was no toilet paper , instead there was newspaper … “What?” I hear you cry , “surely not !” Yes newspaper – now I should tell you all this super soft cushioned stuff didn’t exist when I was a child . We had Izal toilet paper when I was little – some of you will remember it – a bit like thin grease proof paper ! Pretty useless really – absorbency level …zilch …very similar to newspaper!

That is a toilet that has stuck in my memory …and ours was quite ordinary in comparison and it was in the house!..

Not a lot had changed when the DB and I bought our house twenty two years ago ( keep with me please, there is a reason for all this …) The toilets fitted were as below….

But what has happened over the past twenty two years Dear Reader ? Have you noticed ? Our toilets have changed shape …

Who on earth decided to change the shape of the toilet Dear Reader ? Is there someone out there who thought – let’s be different today ! From now on we’ll have square ( ok rectangular toilets) Was there a reason for his/ her choice ? Did they observe an evolution of the shape of human derrières? Are our derrières evolving ? Well I’d like to know please? Are we evolving into Sponge Bob Square Pants … “ And who on earth is he?” you ask Well here he is –

Look he’s a perfectly lovely guy but clearly he has a square bottom , or he wouldn’t have square pants , would he ? Or is it me .. no, not just me with a square derrière ( whilst I may have one , it is difficult to see for myself , but the DB who may have commented on my derrière in the past , has never mentioned it’s squareness ), me who thinks evolution may be happening under our eyes when we were least expecting it ! Hence toilets changing shape – I suppose to suit us better . Well I won’t go into details for my reasons, but bring back the old shape , I say !

Anyway , back to the beginning and what started me thinking about this blog and it’s title. I was staying in a rather lovely hotel in Granada, Spain, with two of my cousins, sharing a room with my female cousin. As you do I inspected the bathroom to find the toilet ….

To be honest I wasn’t quite sure what this was all about initially – then I realised it was an all singing , all dancing , all washing, all drying and anything else you may request, toilet. Before I go any further , toilets such as these make the life of many people so much easier and I salute them . However tucked in the corner of a hotel bathroom with no room to manoeuvre , it was more a liability, certainly for me . Imagine the scene Dear Reader, in the middle of the night ( accustomed as I am to require the facilities through the night) , half asleep in I go to the bathroom, turn right and take a seat – inadvertently move my hand and I have water squirting into my face from where, in my half asleep state, I can’t quite work out. Then I remember the all singing, all dancing toilet – but can’t remember how to stop it . Press another button for goodness sake – remember this is all in the pitch dark – the next thing I know is I have a Force Ten blowing up from below …. Wrong button … suffice to say, by this time I’m wide awake and in hysterics – cousin appears , light on and red stop button pressed – peace reigns ………..well till the next time ! And that is why toilets were on my agenda to talk about….As an addendum, we did ask someone at the hotel about these marvellous machines. It transpires the hotel was popular with the Japanese who frequented said hotel, pre Covid and so such was the popularity, the hotel changed all the toilets to suit their Japanese clients. Apparently the all washing toilet is very popular in Japan … who knew?

When out in public however, one has to find the toilet first . The DB and I took a trip to Sussex where our daughter lives , and we had an evening out on our own in Brighton ( “evening out “ and “ on our own” is always likely to end in tears ( of laughter you understand!) It was a pleasant evening roundabout the end of the main Covid pandemic ( we were allowed out, keeping distance seemed less important, but ordering systems at bars and restaurants were still a little complicated ) So we sat down and the DB went to order two Gin and Tonics ( also paying a visit to the Gents whilst away) He was gone ages – in fact the drinks arrived to my surprise, yet he was nowhere to be seen.

Eventually he reappeared with the infamous words “ I’ve had a bit of difficulty “ ( Frank Spencer, eat your heart out!!) Well, it appeared when he asked where the toilets were, he was directed up the stairs . So off he went, but could only find this sign…….

So not seeing any obvious sign for the Gents he went back downstairs and asked again. He was of course directed back up the stairs to follow the sign ….. eventually he was advised to choose the man with half a skirt sign which he did, and the rest is history. He appeared later than expected , slightly shaken but not stirred!

When it comes to signs , some can be really hard to determine whether they are male or female toilets.Take this sign from a bar we visited this week ….

It’s not only the toilet that’s confusing – what about the flush? It was obvious when you had a chain above your head to pull , you pulled it and the toilet flushed . Then we had the handle flush – again easy- press it down and bob’s your uncle , toilet flushes. Now we have the environmentally friendly flush on most toilets – press small button for minimal water, large button , maximum flush. All well and good, but what about these contactless sensor flush buttons – you only have to move an arm out of place , and before you know it there’s an unexpected dam burst beneath you which can cause significant distress! A point in question – I entered a supermarket toilet ( come on it’s irrelevant which Supermarket though I think it might have been Sainsbury’s !) Anyway all four cubicles were empty until I occupied one ! Now no one came in whilst I was there but to my horror I heard someone flush their toilet . For a second I was an incey wincey bit scared – how had that toilet flushed with no one around ….then I realised it was my flush! Obviously I’d moved an arm in the wrong way and…….whoosh! Bring back the chain I say!!!!

Now in these energy efficient times , the latest gizmo is to have automatic lighting when you go to the loo, servicios, toilettes or whatever. As you enter the room a light comes on. Reassured, you sit ( or stand whichever is your preference) and commence what you’ve entered for. Then ….boom out goes the light and you are left in complete darkness. Who dictates the length of time the light should be on – some young whipper snapper who is in an out in a thrice that’s who, clearly not some elderly gentleman who needs time in the toilet. Nor lady for that matter – by the time you’ve removed your garments and taken a seat there you are in darkness. However I have found ( through our friend Charlie) a reason to be grateful for being a woman on this occasion. Lights go out and we wave our arms about ! Lights go out in the men’s toilet ….only one arm to wave ( we hope!!!) The benefits of hands free!!!

Phew well that’s it – the humble toilet and what a tale it has to tell!

I’ll end with this quote “ Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.”

Until next time……….